Do you have a problem that needs solving? In need of some tough love or hard hitting life advice from a lovingly nagging know-it-all? Write to bazaar’s very own agony aunt, Aunty Yaz!
Aunty Yaz can be found wandering the streets of Salmiya dishing out unsolicited life lessons to random passersby. If you’ve heard the gruff shout of “Tuck your shirt in, you slob!” or “Someone get me something to sit on,” or even overheard her incoherent ramblings, you have probably encountered her wrath before. While Aunty Yaz is neither a psychologist nor certified life coach, you would still be wise to address her as Aunty or Dr. Yaz.
Dear Aunty Yaz,
I am the youngest of 3 children. My brother is a big shot banker and my sister was a runner-up in a world-wide beauty contest but I am not very bright or beautiful. How can I find a way to shine?
Dear Baby, Baby, Baby, Ohhhhhh,
How to shine? Have you considered lots of tanning oil and a day by the beach? This is a difficult question for me, because, as you know, unlike you, I am beautiful, and extremely intelligent (which is why you are asking for my advice, of course). It seems your sister is only runner-up (first loser) leaving no room for doubt as to who should be first – you dahhhling! I suggest you head over to Make up Forever and get yourself some of the powder from their Luminizer line, and buy a flashlight. Disregard all makeup rules and apply as much as you can on your face and body. When you want to be as bright as a star, shine the light in your face.
Remember, as my old pool boy Patrick Swayze once said, “nobody puts baby in a corner”; so chin up, project confidence, and swing by the bank on your way to the beach for lunch, courtesy of your brother.
– Aunty Yaz
Dear Aunty Yaz,
After reading the advice you gave Blogger Extraordinaire last month, I felt as though I could come to you with my problem. I want to become famous on YouTube but so far, my videos of a cat jumping over my friend’s head hasn’t generated a lot of views – do you have any tips?
– Cat-person, Shuwaikh
Dear Crazy Cat-Lady,
So your video of a cat is not getting the views you want? Have you considered 2 cats? I know, crazy right? Yes, in the age of digital one-upsmanship, one simply cannot rely on last-week’s craze. You must double down on your cat usage. Perhaps start a cat circus even. When I was posting videos of me playing with my cheetah as my friend sticks their head in my lion’s mouth I get quite a lot of views. Perhaps you just need to get a bigger cat? Or is your friend not attractive? I’m pretty sure most people are watching my videos because they are captivated by my amazing camera presence.
If none of that works, you should take a page from bazaar’s YouTube channel, bazaarTube. Just some good lookin’ ladies having a blast. Get your cat to partake in whatever YouTube promotion bazaar currently has going on; cat lip-synching to Total Eclipse of the Heart—Priceless!
- Aunty Yaz
Dear Aunty Yaz,
My husband loves to play golf. He is always off to the golf course on weekends and I never see him! I am starting to worry that he loves his birdies more than he loves me. What should I do? I really don’t want to lose my husband to such a boring game.
Dear Desperate Golf-Wife,
I have to agree with you, golf is a horribly boring game. If your husband would rather spend his afternoons in that tedious game than with you, I think maybe that means you are the boring one. I suggest you liven things up a bit: tell him you wish to take up golf too, and start going with him. I promise, he will stop golfing quicker than you can yell fore!
If that doesn’t work, I suggest you ‘borrow’ his credit card and head over to the mall while he is out on the green. Buy a couple of designer bags and that new Chanel suit you’ve been eyeing. Trust me, by the end of the month your life will be anything but boring. As you can see in my portrait above, Chanel was made for me and I suppose you’ll look pretty good too.
– Aunty Yaz
Dear ‘Aunty’ Yaz,
I have spent the entire month planning and carrying out various Mother’s Day surprises for my dear mom. But she’s very busy and doesn’t seem to notice my efforts at all. All I want is for her to appreciate the flash mob I spontaneously put together at The Avenues, the 4000 KD bouquet of flowers I sent to her office, and the 50 foot collage of our pictures that I engraved into the sand so that it can be seen from space. Why won’t she notice my love?
You Know Who
Dear Lord Voldemort,
You must have a lot of money to waste! I bet your mother is cringing inside because she has raised a son that is frivolous with his money, and not in a good way. If you are going to spend that much on your mom, it should be something she can use and appreciate: a 62-inch television so she can catch up on all her favorite Turkish soap operas, for example.
You should take a page out of my son’s book. He’s handsome, attractive (and single for all you sexy ladies) but is sadly unemployed. Instead of wasting money on elaborate schemes, he spends his time taking me to The Avenues so I can shop for stuff, and when a dance troop tries to block my way he helps me get around them by pointing at them, but walking in the other direction. He doesn’t waste time with flowers, although come to think of it… I have noticed the bouquet shaped hole in my credit-card bill. And a collage?! Who does….. wait a minute…. Honey, is that you?
– Aunty Yaz
Send your questions to Aunty Yaz at [email protected]. Any advice given is strictly opinion and does not necessarily reflect the views of bazaar. But it might—just sayin!