For better or worse, men are always at some degree of stubble. Unless you just took out a razor ten minutes ago, it’s coming back already – seriously, take a look! Yet, the decision to consciously commit to facial hair is not one to be taken lightly. There are a lot of things you may not be anticipating and we’re here to hip you to it. Here they are, your top 5 in the painstaking process of facial hair.
#5 Keeping up with the times – One second you have the hippest and best look around, the next it’s dated and you appear behind the times. The Goatee, the soul patch, the Van Dyke, they all imply very specific times and none of them are particularly current now. Do you go with the tried and true or throw caution to the wind with follicular expression unfettered by the times in which they exist? I say being painfully and proudly out of style is the new in style – or maybe I just heard a hipster say that. Either way – to thine own ‘stache be true!
#4 The perfect tools (for unforeseen problems) – If you have gotten serious about your trimming, than you already know how many tools exist to perfectly shape your face coif; the amount of razors alone are enough to break the bank. The electric razor, the peanut shaver, the one with trimmer or without, the twin blade, the triple, the quattro, the Mach 5, the sick 6 – exactly how many blades do they have to throw on these things? On top of that there are lotions to be used, balms to be balming, oils for oiling. Which brings up the related – Problems of the facial hair.
There is a little known fact about the facial hair. The face is full of imperfections that must be overcome. Perhaps you grow a patchy beard, perhaps it curls and folds the wrong way, maybe you have dry spots and dandruff of the beard. But for every problem there is a solution. It just takes time. And money. And time. Still, when you get it right, it looks amazing.
#3 On being abrasive…! – No matter how hard you try, your face is going to scrape somebody: maybe it’s your spouse, perhaps it’s your mother or when you’re greeting your child at the end of a long day at work – but boy do they not like it. Never in my life have I heard so much grief about it. Stay strong my friend, they only pretend to not like it (at least this is what I secretly tell myself).
#2 You grew a beard, now what? – You got it through the awkward-looking stage, you made it through the super-itchy stage, now what are you going to do with the bad boy? If seems for most people you are always either growing one or shaving one. You are almost never content with one. Except for Santa. Or Abe Lincoln. Or Zach Galifianakis. Or Sarwan Singh, the Guinness Book of Records holder for the longest beard for someone still alive (a qualifier that reads weirder than it actually is). Otherwise, it’s coming or going but never quite is.
#1 The Social Problem – When you start to get serious about your facial hair, at some point it is just impossible to hang out with your same friends. You must let them go. You have a new friend now and he hangs from your face. You can’t be hanging out with some baby face pretty boy when you’ve got a Rip Van Winkle growth on your face. No! This won’t do! You have wood to go chop! What if they want to go eat messy foods you can’t eat anymore for fear of getting it in the beard? What if you have inadvertently bearded yourself into a no-fly list? You can’t even vacation together anymore! You must go out and find people who have dedicated the same time and effort to follicular perfection as you have. You must find your brethren of the beard. Now go fourth. On the plus side, with your new look it will be easier to hide from everyone you knew in your previous pre-facial foliage life!
Love/Hate is your guide to life’s many conundrums: the good, the bad, and the bearded.