Here’s what happened: Dweezil and Pixie went with Moon Unit Zappa to see Jermajesty when Moon Unit stumbled upon Buddy Bear and Summer Rain. Just then, Saint Lazslo got all Moxie Crimefighter about it and got Daisy Boo caught up in Blue Ivy. Poet, Bronx, and Lyric got caught with Bogart Che Peyote and ended up stuck in an Alabama Gypsy with Peaches Geldoff. Whew — what just happened? I think I blacked out.
Is somebody putting something funky in the water of the entertainment industry? Why is it that celebrities aren’t able to just name their kids regular names? When Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin named their kid Apple I really thought that was as far as we could go, then Kim-Yeezy came along and named their kid North West and now we have an epidemic of crazy baby names on our hands. Odd baby names are catching like a rash around Hollywood and it needs to be stopped. Here are some of the biggest offenders:
#10 Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette (Penn Jillette from Penn & Teller fame, and Emily Zolten) – Moxie, though an antiquated word, is also one of my favorites. But CrimeFighter as a middle name? Yikes! I would expect more from a magician. Do you think he can make the name disappear?
#9 Apollo Bowie Flynn (Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale) – A Greek God, a Rockstar, and an Irishman walk into a bar — no, I’m just kidding that’s just my baby’s name! Seriously. The three names here evoke such completely different images that with a little punctuation, it seems like a lead-in to a good punch line. Plus since Apollo the Greek God is the son of Zeus (basically the most butt-kicking of all Greek gods), and this Apollo is the son of famous singer Gavin Rossdale (and really don’t all of these names really reveal more about the parents than the kids?), I think it is safe to say this singer has a hero complex.
#8 Summer Rain (Christina Aguilera and Matt Rutler) – Is your child a weather pattern? Ok, arguably this is the most normal first name on this list, but still, why would you want to name your kid after a regrettable weather condition?
#7 Saint Lazslo (Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy and Meagan Camper) – Ok, newsflash, naming your child a saint does not actually, in fact, make them a saint, or even saintly. In fact, it is most likely to inspire the opposite condition entirely.
#6 Pirate Houseman Davis (Jonathan Davis and Devon Davis) – Pirate is a terrible name even if you’re on the high seas. Can you imagine the trouble it can cause on dry land? Nobody likes a pirate, not even pirates.
#5 Jermajesty Jackson (Jermaine Jackson and Alejandra Patricia Oaiaz) – A portmanteau of Jermaine and Majesty, meant to imply her majesty, it seems. With previous kids Jeremy, Jourdynn and Jaafar, he had to start with another J. (a la Kardashian), but this one went a bit too far we feel. Hmmm…
#4 Pilot Inspektor Lee (Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf) – Sounds like they are auditioning their child for different job opportunities.
#3 Audio Science Clayton (Shannyn Sossamon from A Knight’s Tale fame and Dallas Clayton) – This sounds like the most boring class at Music College.
#2 Buzz Michelangelo (Singer/Songwriter Tom Fletcher and Giovanna Rush) – Unless this baby is painting frescoes in space, this has got to be the worst on the list. Maybe I don’t like the name Buzz to begin with. It seems like a retired WWII veteran who chews his tobacco and insults indigenous peoples of the world.
#1 Bodhi Ransom Green (Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green) – A ransom? Really? Why not just name your kid ‘KidnapMe Jones’? Way to put a target on your kids back. This Megan and Brian-Austin combo is screaming for attention. Although, both would probably be happy with the press they would receive from a ransomed baby, so there’s that. Maybe it’s their attempt at foreshadowing, or self-fulfilling prophecy…
Bonus: Royal Reign (Lil Kim and Papers) – So, I am not sure if rapper Lil Kim and Papers are aware, but you don’t actually become royalty by just giving your child a name that sounds monarchy-adjacent (although, neither parents started a good precedent in the names department). Who knows how long this baby’s monarchy will reign, but I’m guessing not long…Moon Unit Zappa and Blue Ivy, who would have ever thought you would not make this list, and could seem so normal by comparison? Yikes!
Love/Hate is your guide to all of life’s little conundrums! Please save the future generation from their names!