When one of our very own staff writers announced last month that his wife was with child, you could see the eyes of our owner gloss over with $ signs as ideas began to flood his head with how this could be, what he selflessly described as, a “win-win” situation. However, it was at that time put on hold until they could determine what the sex of the baby would be, as clearly the terms would need to be negotiated accordingly. Upon a more recent announcement that the baby was, in fact, predicted to be a boy, the various clauses, sub-clauses, statutes, notifications and all appropriate legalese were hammered out to the benefit of all involved (except for the mother, whom we have yet to inform). Now, in a first-of-its-kind monetary transaction, our very own magazine has decided to sponsor said baby through adult-hood in hopes of increasing the bazaar brand presence in the international community.
Though it is true that the increasingly blurred-line intersection of human life-meets-commerce is not entirely without precedent, this deal is unique in both its approach and the scope of the contract. While companies like The GoldenPalace.com have long been making headlines since their first offer for a “body billboard” in the form of a tattoo of their logo upon the body of a Jim Hanson in 2003, this particular form has never been done before (it is an interesting aside that many of these money-making participants are still burdened with tattoos advertising companies which no longer exist). Additionally notable for its almost prophetic similarity is the 1998 Paramount Pictures movie The Truman Show, which credible industry insiders say likely served as a blueprint to navigate the many different ‘sellable moments’ in this future-person’s life.
At the recent press conference announcing the deal, Ahmed El-Adly CEO of bazaar explained, “We see it as a solid investment. Our lawyers have perused the minutiae to quantify all potential branding opportunities, and we ran both genetic tests as well as family tree information on both mother and father, and feel that is a great opportunity to be part of something new.” When asked why he didn’t simply just “advertise on Instagram, like everybody else” El-Adly replied, “to be quite honest, we considered it. However, we determined that we could likely yield a better ROI from the potential of this market when compared to the saturation that we feel has already been evidenced in some of the more traditional and digital routes.”
While bazaar did seem to take an initial hit on both the Nikkei index and the NASDAQ, due to what some were referring to as the “unknowability” of the profitability of the project, by morning both markets had recovered in a pattern trending toward frenzy. One analyst said, “It was almost as if everyone went home and dreamed about the possibilities of a baby-billboard, and the market responded in kind.”
Although many parts of the contract are still unknown, a key insider who spoke on the condition of anonymity gave a few confirmations to some of the rumors going around. It seems that the baby will most certainly have his own column from ‘day one’ through adulthood (which in itself would unseat the current title-holder, ‘Up Close and Personal,’ as the longest running bazaar column)—think finger-painting all the way to Nietzchean analysis! Also, it has been confirmed that the baby will only be allowed to wear clothing that is featured in the magazine, eat at the restaurants featured in the magazine, and drive cars featured in the ‘goes cruising’ column; no doubt a potential windfall for those brands who will benefit by association. If the latest issue is any indicator…expect to see the baby driving a Porsche while wearing Hugo Boss, Ted Baker of London, and H&M in a flat furnished by Ikea, smelling like Fendi cologne while having his parties hosted by Partyland. It is a charmed life indeed for this future child.
At press time there was no confirmation yet as to the rumor that the baby would in fact be named ‘baby bazaar’.
All inquiries as to purchasing aforementioned ‘Sellable Moments,’ can be can be referred to [email protected]