The zombie apocalypse has just hit. Your friends decide to come to your house for the night, before heading out to the safe house the next morning. It’s a long way away, so you guys need a good dinner. You also want to make sure you get rid of all the perishables before you go. You have the following ingredients: Eggplant, blue cheese, hammour fillet, chicken drumsticks, a watermelon.
– You’re allowed one sous-chef/zombie lookout person.
– You can only use your gas stovetop. The electricity is out in the house.
– You can also use what you currently have in your pantry. Let’s face it; leaving your house to buy groceries is not an option at this point unless you want to join the ranks of the undead or be immortalized on the menu at zombie dinner parties. We won’t judge.
SO, WHAT’S ON THE MENU?
Appetizer: I got eggplant, so you’re getting muttabal (Lebanese dish made from eggplant and tahini sauce. If I got that wrong, don’t look at me; I’ve already admitted I can’t cook).
Main: Crap. So there’s a hammour fillet AND chicken drumsticks? Jeez, you guys. I initially would have reinvented the surf-and-turf with fish and chicken, but again, SINCE I CAN’T COOK, I’ll just toss the chicken drumsticks to my 3 dogs (of course they’re alive and of course they’re hungry and of course they appreciate chicken more than the rest of humanity). Which means my buddies need the hammour fillet, and since I only have a gas stovetop, I guess I’ll put that bad boy onto the pan (SKIN DOWN! – as learned from legendary Gordon Ramsay) until my little house smells like fish, which is a good trick to let you know when a fish has been cooked to perfection (please do not under any circumstance follow my cooking methods). My pantry probably only has canned corn, Frosted Lucky Charms and Nutella jars, so…I guess spread what you like onto your little fillet, friends. I spent all day slaving away in the kitchen while ZOMBIES ARE AFTER US so I’m sorry if I didn’t have time to stuff your fillet with cereal.
Dessert: Well, at this point we only have blue cheese and watermelon left and I can tell by the looks on my friends’ faces that they’re pretty stuffed. We’ll wait for a while, have some sort of discussion about oh, I dunno, escaping the zombies, and then in a couple hours we’d call Baskin Robbins because I don’t care what you say, those guys are ALWAYS ready to deliver, regardless of the situation. Zombies, be damned!
WHAT WOULD BE YOUR WEAPON OF CHOICE?
Okay, this is going to make me sound like a terrible person (which I probably am), but my fifth guest would be someone I loathed. That person, my friends, would be my weapon of choice. I’d use her to shield the rest of us from danger. If she gets out of it and proves herself worthy, she’s already on the right track and maybe next year we’ll invite her over for Thanksgiving as a ‘real’ guest.
WHO WOULD BE YOUR SOUS CHEF/ZOMBIE LOOKOUT PERSON AND WHY?
My dog, obviously. We have the exact same skill set in the kitchen, which means we work well together, and she’s a dog, so she can smell gross-smelling zombies from miles away and keep us warned. Love you, Frankie! Thanks for saving our lives!
DO YOU THINK THAT YOU COULD SURVIVE A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE?
I feel like I do that every morning headed to the city for work, except our zombies drive Lambos and Hummers and Cayennes and move at super-fast speeds. But seriously, I’d probably be sleeping during a zombie apocalypse. I’d wake up and demand some food and all I’d find in the kitchen is a tub of unused blue cheese. Gross.