It’s that time of year again – that day in mid-February when the world is adorned in red, white and pink. Everywhere you look, you see images of Cupid with bow and arrow in tow, red paper hearts all over the place, garish floral arrangements, and you know at least three different couples whose anniversary is on this day. Yes, dear readers, we’re talking about Valentine’s Day. Some people love the romantic holiday, some hate it, and many don’t even acknowledge it – but whenever it rolls around, we can expect to see (or be!) one of the following people.
Who They Are: The Power Couple
What They’ll Do: One or both members of the power couple want all of the attention. If you aren’t planning on sending five-dozen roses to her office and taking her out to a decadent dinner at a swanky restaurant, you better compensate with an intensely grand romantic gesture.
What They’ll Eat: Dinner at a really nice restaurant such as Meat Company or Salt. Romantic ambiance is key.
Most Likely To: Get engaged, married, or break up on Valentine’s Day.
Their Song: “Thinking Out Loud” – Ed Sheeran
Who They Are: The Couple Who Pretends They Hate Valentine’s Day
What They’ll Do: One will probably send the other flowers because they know that they have to, and the recipient will roll her eyes and pretend she doesn’t care about receiving them, but they both know damn sure that if it doesn’t happen then a big fight is on its way. They might go out to dinner, because… well… Valentine’s Day.
What They’ll Eat: Takeout sushi from their favorite spot, or at a low-key restaurant with pleasantly dimmed lighting for them to gaze into one another’s eyes and gush about how laid back they are.
Most Likely To: Get into a passive aggressive argument if they don’t end up doing or receiving anything for Valentine’s Day.
Their Song: “Love Yourself “– Justin Bieber
Who They Are: The Couple That REALLY Doesn’t Care About Valentine’s Day
What They’ll Do: They actually won’t realize it’s Valentine’s Day.
What They’ll Eat: They might order pizza or go to Elevation Burger, only because it’s Sunday and they don’t feel like cooking.
Most Likely To: Feel embarrassed (yet proud) that they’ve forgotten about the most romantic day of the year, but cover it up with an ultra cliché like “Every day is Valentine’s Day in our house!!”
Their Song: “Roses” – Outkast
Who They Are: The Bitter Singleton
What They’ll Do: Complain about Valentine’s Day and how it’s an overly marketed capitalist holiday designed for the Greeting Card Industry and for the market to get rid of all the chocolates left over from Christmas.
What They’ll Eat: Their words the day they fall in love again.
Most Likely To: Insist on watching a slasher movie that night, just for funsies, and for the sake of irony.
Their Song: “99 Problems” – Jay Z
Who They Are: The Sobbing Singleton
What They’ll Do: Sulk about how they don’t have a Valentine, and complain about how depressing the holiday is.
What They’ll Eat: Ice cream. Chocolate. Tears.
Most Likely To: Watch Love Actually in bed and cry.
Their Song: “Hello”– Adele
Who They Are: “MY Family is My Valentine!”
What They’ll Do: Make homemade Valentine’s Day cards for every single member of their family… awww.
What They’ll Eat: Heart shaped cookies with smiley faces on them.
Most Likely To: Invite their friends over for a chick-flick studded movie night starring actors like Ryan Reynolds and Mark Ruffalo.
Their Song: “Sugar Sugar” – The Archies
Who They Are: The Class Dreamboat
What They’ll Do: Conveniently forget about Valentine’s Day because they know that all of their admirers will shower them with plastic roses, real roses, teddy bears and candy grams. And maybe even a balloon.
What They’ll Eat: Godiva chocolates, of course!
Most Likely To: Make a show out of stuffing all their acclaimed goodies into the backseat of their driver’s car after school.
Their Song: “Cheerleader” – OMI.