It’s awards season – a time to celebrate people for pretending to be other people excellently. The Golden Globes are just around the corner and we’re going to find out who the best TV star was, what the best comedy series was and…more standard awards. It’s a fun time for the bazaar team because some of us (okay, maybe just me) scramble to find time to catch up on all the movies and shows that are nominated. But, you have to admit – sometimes you just want a little more depth to your categories. Sure, the MTV awards have awards for best scream/kiss/fight, but I’ve thought up even more ridiculous ones – including some timeless nominees that’ll bring the late 90’s/early 2000s rushing back to you like Michelle Tanner tattling on DJ.
Please note that this post contains some SPOILERS. Sorry. Unavoidable. Deal with it, please?
Emmy Rossum, in Shameless: Fiona Gallagher has plenty of reasons to cry and whenever she does, it’s the most heartbreaking, ugly/beautiful face on screen.
James Van Der Beek, in Dawson’s Creek: The face that launched a thousand memes.
Aaron Paul, in Breaking Bad: Is there anything worse than watching Jesse Pinkman break down? Actually: YES! It’s watching Jesse Pinkman walking around like a shackled zombie making meth as a prisoner.
Claire Danes, in Everything: Claire Danes is pretty much a lock for a Lifetime Achievement in Cry Face. Dating back to My So-Called Life all the way up to Homeland – nobody cries like Claire.
Norman Reedus, in The Walking Dead: Oh, Daryl Dixon. The first time it happened was back when his brother Merle died and the world stopped and cried with Norman Reedus. It took almost 3 seasons for it to happen again and the world stopped and cried some more.
WINNER: Claire Danes. Was there ever any competition?
Jon Snow, Game of Thrones: “You know nothing, Jon SnooOOw.”
Jerry/Gary/Larry Gergich, Parks and Recreation: Seriously though, what is his name?
Winston Bishop, New Girl: Remember when Winston was the grounded one on New Girl? Neither do I – now he eats MSG and gets his jaw locked and doesn’t know how to use a ruler. But he’s more, I tell you – MORE.
Maggie Simpson, The Simpsons: Why is it so hard to understand the nuances of her pacifier-using mouth?
Phil Dunphy, Modern Family: I know he’s a dork – but Phil is a cool dad. And while some might find his “peerenting” (talking like a peer but sounding like a parent) silly – I think he gets the job done pretty well.
WINNER: Maggie. You just can’t find good baby interpreters these days.
“How Rude!” – Stephanie Tanner, Full House: Stephanie Tanner is my spirit animal. Just ask the bazaar staff how often I use this catchphrase.
“Did I do that?” – Steve Urkel, Family Matters: It’s truly brilliant when you can forever only say these words in that specific nasal way.
“Legen–wait-for-it–DARY” – Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother: My favorite variation of this was: “It’s going to be Legen –and-I-hope-you’re-not-lactose-intolerant-because-the-next-part-of-this-is– DAIRY.”
“How you doin?” – Joey Tribbiani, Friends: Still makes me giggle girlishly.
“Yo B***H!” – Jesse Pinkman, Breaking Bad: Did you know Aaron Paul dedicated an entire app to different variations of his famous catchphrase? I wanted to download it, but I don’t have an iPhone. 🙁
WINNER: Jesse Pinkman. YOU WON B***H!
I’m not being insensitive, promise. Also, predictably, these are all from Game of Thrones. Let us remember them in..um..pieces? (too much?)
Joffrey Baratheon, Game of Thrones: I know he was the most hated character on television, but did anyone else feel a twinge of sadness when Joffrey died? For me, it had little to do with the sheer gruesomeness of the scene and more to do with the loss of his epic tantrums, but still.
Oberyn Martell, Game of Thrones: EYES.GOUGED.OUT.
Tywin Lannister, Game of Thrones: He was on the toilet…
Viserys Targaryen, Game of Thrones: Wasn’t he gold-plated alive or something? Honestly I don’t remember – I had to look up his name.
Ned Stark, Game of Thrones: Pretty standard beheading. But it was Ned Stark. He’s still mentioned every season like clockwork. #SaveSeanBean
Bonus: The Triple Death of Catelyn, Robb and Talisa: The Red Wedding. Never Forget.
WINNER: Viserys Targaryen. Sneaks in and steals the win, because I feel like having molten metal poured over you edges out eye-gouging, beheading and poison by an inch.
‘The Plane Crash’, Grey’s Anatomy, “Migration”: It’s all standard business at Seattle Grace, Mercy Death during the penultimate episode of Season 8. The residents are planning their futures, there’s love life drama and a flight to another hospital to separate conjoined twins. And then, bam. Plane crashes with six – yes, six – major characters onboard with their fate hanging in the balance. WTF, Shonda.
‘She saved the world a lot’, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “The Gift”: After a season of watching Buffy assimilate to having a new (fake) and annoying sister and having to protect her from a Hell God to no avail, it all leads to this one moment. It’s got to be ‘Summers blood’ and there’s no way Buffy would let Dawn sacrifice herself. So she does instead. The season ends with Buffy’s gravestone and perhaps the best damn epigraph to ever be written. WTF, Joss Whedon.
‘Take thee, Rachel…’ Friends, “The One with Ross’ Wedding”: Remember that British girl that Ross married? Nah, me either. I do remember feeling the shock and my heart in my throat when he accidentally says Rachel at the altar though. You remember too. WTF Ross.
‘Boomer shoots Adama’ Battlestar Galactica, “Kobol’s Last Gleaming”: Boomer is one of the characters on Battlestar with one of the most interesting (among many) journeys. Her obliviousness to being a Cylon, her growing concern and suspicion when she doesn’t know why she’s waking up in random places, and then her activation. She shoots Adama. Adama. BILL – Commander/Admiral/Old Man – ADAMA. WTFrak.
Everything you can possibly imagine, Nashville, “First to Have a Second Chance”: Does anyone else watch Nashville? The latest cliffhanger is FIVE-fold 1) Rayna left Luke at the altar and is driving off possibly to see Deacon? 2) Deacon is dying. 3) Juliette and Avery got married out of NOWHERE. 4) Layla overdoses and might be dead. 5) Micah isn’t Gunner’s son, but he IS his dead brother’s. How many things can they leave hanging?? WTF COUNTRY MUSIC? (sorry – that was reaching.)
WINNER: The Gift, Buffy the Vampire Slayer I mean – they killed off the titular character. How else were we supposed to react?
Sydney Graham, Parenthood: I know she has to go through the breakup of the dream couple Joel/Julia – but seriously Sydney, can it not be about you for like two minutes?
Carl Grimes, The Walking Dead: I’m in a bitter love-hate relationship with Carl. When he’s on weird unnecessary killing sprees, I hate him. When he’s sitting on a roof devouring a whole tub of chocolate pudding, he’s not so bad.
Ben Gellar, Friends: Ugh, remember when Rachel was babysitting and he was doing that kid thing where he copied everything she said? Super annoying. “Super annoying.”
Dawn Summers, Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Yeah, yeah you’re the key. Stop whining.
Joffrey Baratheon, Game of Thrones: I’m unfathomably biased when it comes to Joffrey. Is he the worst? Yes. Did I love it every time he shrieked “You’re talking to a King!”? Yes.
WINNER: Joffrey Baratheon. He is not tired!
Victor Graham, Parenthood: Remember when Victor adjusting to his new family was one of the biggest storylines? Now the most we see of Victor is him running in from baseball practice and looking mildly upset that Joel isn’t around. Then again – it’s hard to get attention when your sister is Sydney.
Ben Gellar, Friends: Ben went from irritating to invisible in the space of a season. Rachel and Ross had Emma and it was out with the old and in with the new: Ben disappeared for seasons 9 and 10.
George O’Malley, Grey’s Anatomy: The focus was on everyone else in Season 5: Izzy, Cristina, Meredith, Alex, Lexie, Calzona etc and then George signs up for the Army and everyone suddenly remembered he still worked at the hospital. Worse, that was just a red herring. 007 is actually hit by a bus. Shonda Rimes doesn’t do anything by accident.
The Mother, How I Met Your Mother: Even though she was the subject of the premise, the mother was essentially ignored for the majority of all the seasons – just a nod or two to be like ‘heyy, we remember our name!’ and then after building up this incredible lady in the farewell season – boom killed. There’s no justice for the Mutti.
T-Dog, The Walking Dead: I can’t remember him talking ever, but while I was looking him up, I did remember he had “Dog” in his name. He lasted a shocking three seasons before he sacrifices himself to save Carol. His last mention of the series was by The Governor who referred to him as “that other man” who died at the prison.
WINNER: George O’Malley. Because this was the best final use of an underused character I’ve ever seen.
Helo, Battlestar Galactica: I could write novels about how much I love Helo. Among a group of questionably moral people – Helo remains the voice of reason, the picture of compassion. He started as a minor character but his action of giving up his seat for Gaius Baltar made him wildly popular and he continued to prove his goodness throughout the entire Battlestar reign. He doesn’t want to destroy the Resurrection ship, he tries to stop the evil doctor, he protects his family: Helo stands up for the best time and time again. Tahmoh Penikett needs his own show. Yesterday.
Jesse Pinkman, Breaking Bad: When we first meet Jesse, he’s sort of an annoying comic relief type character. He wasn’t even supposed to last past the first season. But Aaron Paul’s delivery of Jesse’s struggle between good and bad and his outwardly brash demeanor paired with his sweet, sensitive moments made him the without-question favorite character on Breaking Bad.
Brooke Davis, One Tree Hill: One Tree Hill fans will remember how annoying Brooke was when the series began. She stood in the way of the OTP Peyton and Lucas, and was conniving, shallow and tactless. But of all the characters on the show, she grew more than anyone and her heart, determination and Sophia Bush’s excellent way of delivering both comical and heartbreaking lines made her the standout character.
Anya Jenkins, Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Anya was supposed to be an insignificant throw-away demon, but Emma Caulfield had such a brilliant way of delivering deadpan lines that she quickly became one of the most quotable characters from the show. For example: “I can just hear you in private: ‘I dislike that Anya. She’s newly human and strangely literal.’” And “Bunnies aren’t just cute like everybody supposes – they got those hoppy feet and twitchy little noses, and what’s with all the carrots, what do they need such good eyesight for anyway?” And what Buffy fan didn’t break down when Anya was trying to understand Joyce’s death?
Tom Haverford, Parks and Recreation: Everything about Aziz Ansari’s character when Parks and Recreation started was irritating. He used too many catchphrases, he never took his job seriously, and he talked a lot. But as the show goes on, you start looking forward to his crazy plans and you root for him when he opens Rent-a-Swag and you join in with him and Donna and “treat yo’ self” with lots of laughter.
WINNER: Helo Trust me. Watch Battlestar Galactica and I dare you not to like Helo. Unfortunately (and shockingly) there seems to be no compilation of how awesome Helo is on YouTube. I guess I’ll just have to do it myself.
Thomas Barrow, Downton Abbey: Barrow is evil. Pure evil. But the poor thing is misunderstood and troubled at times. His orientation is frowned upon, and even criminal at the time so he masks it by becoming vindictive and at times horrid to those around him. But his love for the Granthams is incredible. He’d go above and beyond for them and when it comes down to it, he’d use his evil ways for good.
Jaime Lannister, Game of Thrones: He’s pretty gross when the series starts. But as more of his backstory is revealed – the meaning behind ‘King Slayer’ and the loss of his hand, Jaime starts to creep up on you. And suddenly, you kind of forgive him for his grossness. His smile ‘cuts like a knife’ after all.
Spike, Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Spike went back and forth between villainous and heroic since his first appearance in Season 2. Sometimes he was loveably pathetic, other times he was sarcastically hilarious – often he was maliciously evil. But nobody could resist the platinum blonde hair and drawling English accent and he became a fan-favorite with some of the best legacy episodes ever.
Mellie Fitzgerald, Scandal: Mellie did some pretty terrible things in early episodes of Scandal – rigging a presidential election, manipulating Fitz etc. But once the show stopped villainizing her and made her more human – you realized that she gave up everything for Fitz and he continually humiliates her with his rampant affairs. Not to mention her past trauma and the death of her son have forever changed her. And while she’s still flawed, there’s something about the way Mellie delivers a cutting remark that makes you root for her.
Barbas, Charmed: Remember that blast from the past I mentioned earlier – how about this guy? Barbas, the demon of Fear is terrifying the first time he appears in Charmed with powers that are petrifying in concept alone. He brings your deepest fears alive (shudder). But he’s also weirdly hilarious and if anyone remembers that excellent episode with the parallel universe – he’s even more entertaining as the demon of Hope.
WINNER: Barbas I’m giving this one to Barbas purely so I can show you the below clip.
Pam, True Blood: “I don’t know what it is about me that makes people think I want to hear their problems. Maybe I smile too much. Maybe I wear too much pink. But please remember I can rip your throat out if I need to.”
Cordelia Chase, Buffy, The Vampire Slayer: “What is your childhood trauma?”
Dr. Cox, Scrubs: “Oh! I’m sorry! Are you talking? Because I’ve decided to keep my finger on the button, so I actually can’t hear anything that’s going on in there. But, for fairness’ sake, I’ve decided to do your end of the conversation. It goes a little something like this: Blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, cool hip-hop lingo, blah-blah, blah-blah-blah.”
Cristina Yang, Grey’s Anatomy: “Oh screw beautiful. I’m brilliant! If you want to appease me, compliment my brain!”
Will Smith, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: “If I were you, I’d run away…” – Man. “If you were me, you’d be good-looking” – Will
WINNER: Pam And not just because she’s my name-sake. Pam delivers insults with the precision of a ninja.
Miranda Bailey, Grey’s Anatomy
Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation
Veronica Mars, Veronica Mars
Jim Halpert, The Office
Captain Holt, Brooklyn Nine-Nine
WINNER: Ron Swanson. Look at it.
‘The Slap Bet’, How I Met Your Mother:
What is this feeling?
That’s put you in your place
A hot red burning on the side
Of your face
You feel the blood rush to your cheek
Tears start to fill your eyes
And your lips are trembling
But you can’t speak
Oh, you’re trying
Not to cryyyyyyyy,
Ya just got slapped…
‘What is Chandler Bing’s Job?’, Friends: “It’s got something to do with numbers…and processing…and he carries a briefcase. It has something to do with transponding…
OH, OH, He’s a – a – a transpondster!
That’s not even a word!”
‘Li’l Sebastian’, Parks and Recreation: “He has the legs of Tom, the endurance of Jerry, and the diseases of Jerry.”
Everyone is obsessed with this miniature horse. They are more devastated by his death than most things and he even returns in hologram form.
‘Lorde, Lorde, Lorde’, South Park: “I am Lorde, yah, yah, yah.”
Beetle-juice, Community: Community really planned this particular easter egg well spreading it out over three years. The writers wrote Beetle-juice into three separate episodes and by the third time it was said, you know what happens!
WINNER: Beetle-Juice, Beetle-Juice, Beetle-Juice.
So, what do you think? Who was robbed? Who was snubbed without even getting a nomination? What crazy awards do you think they should give out? Sound off in the comments and let me know what shows I shouldn’t have left out like the callous TV-watcher I am.