Are you the type of person who lives through the lives of TV characters? OMG, me too! I would ask you to be my friend, but I’m too busy casting TV characters as my friends. And if you don’t think I’m the saddest person in the world now, please read on for a sneak peek of my future TV pilot and the characters that will make up the ensemble around me.
Episode Title: The One where the town is hit by the Zombie Apocalypse
Episode Summary: Pam, along with her coworker, Jim, new girl, Jess and friend, Chandler must navigate their way through the only town in the world hit by the Zombie Apocalypse to meet up with other survivors at an establishment a few towns over. With help from Cross-bow-wielding Daryl Dixon and Fixer Olivia Pope, they make it through the town with their reputations and most of their limbs intact. After a quick stop to the Hospital so Dr. Grey can amputate Chandler’s arm, they arrive at McClaren’s Bar and out of danger.
Pam as Herself
Jim Halpert as Coworker Jim
Jess Day as New Girl
Chandler Bing as Friend
Daryl Dixon as Cross-bow Wielder
Olivia Pope as Fixer
Meredith Grey as Dr. Grey
Barney Stinson as Man in McClaren’s
INT. MAGAZINE OFFICE – DAY
PAM (not from the Office), JIM HALPERT, JESS DAY and CHANDLER BING stand beside barricaded windows, looking through cracks in the boards. JESS looks worried, JIM is making a paper airplane and CHANDLER anxiously smoking a cigarette.
PAM: So what’s our game plan here? We have to get through the Zombies and make it to McClaren’s, but we have no weapons.
JIM (looks for the camera to stare into)
PAM [annoyed]: Jim! The zombies ate the camera crew this morning. Does anyone have any ideas? How are we going to get out of this building? Jess – you’re the new girl. I don’t know you, but do you have anything to offer?
JESS: I’m uh, adorkable?
PAM and CHANDLER exchange a look.
CHANDLER: Could we be any more screwed?
At that exact moment, the door bursts open and OLIVIA POPE, dressed in a crisp white suit struts into the room followed closely by DARYL DIXON backing into the room with cross-bow trained at the open door. OLIVIA looks to him and he puts a finger to his lips for a moment. After a nod from DARYL, OLIVIA turns to the others.
OLIVIA: My name is Olivia Pope. Let’s be clear – I am in charge here. If you do everything I say, exactly how I say it – you will – will – get out of this alive with your careers. Have I made myself clear?
JIM (looks for the camera again before scratching his head): Uh, is the career thing up for debate? Because right now, this is just a job. If this is my career, then it really is the end of the world.
CHANDLER: Hey man, at least they know what your job is.
PAM (to Olivia): So, you’re going to get us out of this? Because no offense, but you look like you use your words as a weapon, and I don’t think those zombies are enthusiastic conversationalists.
OLIVIA: That’s where Mr. Dixon comes in.
DARYL is skinning a squirrel with his crossbow still pointed at the door. He grunts indecipherably as he takes a bite of squirrel flesh.
JESS: Er excuse me, Mr. Dixon sir – but is there any need to harm that poor squirrel? They have feelings you know.
DARYL (gruffly): Gotta eat.
JESS: I have some gum. Does anyone want any gum?
CHANDLER: Gum would be perfection.
EXT. Abandoned City Street. Zombies are roaming everywhere. The group is walking alongside the largest building armed with a variety of weapons. Daryl leads the way hitting zombies with arrows from his cross bow. Olivia shoots other zombies with a silenced gun, her suit remains crisp white standing out against the others. Jim hits one zombie over the head with a Stapler and looks impressed with himself. Jess holds a vintage pillow with rocks inside, Pam has a sharpened stick and Chandler is brandishing a kettle. After retrieving his arrows, Daryl beckons the group forward.
DARYL: I’m gon’ go ‘head and do a sweep. Watch yer back.
He runs ahead and disappears around the corner.
CHANDLER: Does anyone else not understand that guy?
JESS (to Olivia): Who’s waiting for you at McClaren’s?
OLIVIA (checking her gun): The President. I’m out of bullets.
Suddenly, a zombie appears from nowhere and latches hold of Chandler’s arm. Chandler starts screaming unintelligibly while Olivia fumbles with her gun and Jess starts beating the Zombie with her rock-filled pillow.
JESS (between hits): Take – THAT – MR – Zombie!
Eventually Olivia and Pam grab each arm of the Zombie while Jess continues to hit him. Jim is still looking around for a camera when an arrow hits the zombie between the eyes and it releases Chandler’s arm. A large chunk of flesh has been removed.
OLIVIA: Hurry. Jim – give me your tie. We have to get him to Dr. Grey.
DARYL: Rest of the way’s clear. Tie the tourniquet tight. He’s gon’ lose the arm.
CHANDLER (wide eyed and panicked): What did he say? What did he say? My arm?
JIM: Sorry man. You’re Chandler one-arm from now on.
INT. GREY SLOAN MEMORIAL HOSPITAL
Dr. Meredith Grey is sitting on the floor of the hospital staring at the dead bodies surrounding her moodily. The doors burst open and she jumps to her feet as the group hurries in, Jim and Daryl supporting a faint Chandler. Although blood covers Jess and Pam’s clothes, Olivia’s suit remains unstained.
DR GREY: What’s his status?
DARYL: Got bit.
JIM: I think that’s the technical term.
DR GREY (impatient): How long ago?
PAM (tearfully): Please! You have to help him.
DR GREY: Ma’am calm down. I’m doing the best I can. Even though I’m feeling dark and twisty, and the Zombies got my Person and my McDreamy – I am very good at my job.
OLIVIA (looking at her phone): We have one hour. Do your best Dr.Grey.
DR GREY (to Daryl): Alcohol – he needs something for the pain. Do have any?
Daryl produces an unmarked jar of clear liquid and Chandler drinks it, spluttering at the taste.
JESS: I can distract him.
She starts tap dancing and everyone exchanges looks of confusion, except for Jim who is looking into the broken security camera.
CUT TO WAITING MONTAGE.
After some time, Dr Grey emerges with Chandler – his arm is now amputated.
DR GREY: I couldn’t save the arm, but he’ll live.
At that exact moment, a plane crashes, narrowly missing Chandler but crushing Dr Grey.
DARYL (running ahead): TIME TO GO!
JIM: Chandler, he said, ‘time to go’.
The group rushes from the hospital and the scene FADES OUT
INT. McClaren’s bar. The team is shaken, but have made it to the refuge safely. Daryl immediately goes to the bar to order Moonshine and splits another squirrel. Jim rushes to the new camera crew bursting to look into the camera uncomfortably. Olivia is taken away by two men in dark suits, sunglasses and ear pieces. Chandler, Jess and Pam sit down in a booth with a blonde-haired Man wearing a suit.
PAM (to the man): So how did you get here?
MAN: Oh, it was LEGEN-waitforitbecauseIthinkwe’reabouttobeeatenbyzombies-DARY
If you made it to the end of this piece of insanity, congratulations! You just read the first-ever fanfiction crossover of The Office/New Girl/Friends/Scandal/The Walking Dead/Grey’s Anatomy/How I Met Your Mother.
Think I can make it as big as Fifty Shades of Grey?