Aunty Yaz can be found wandering the streets of Salmiya dishing out unsolicited life lessons to random passersby. If you’ve heard the gruff shout of “Tuck your shirt in, you slob!” or “Someone get me something to sit on,” or even overheard her incoherent ramblings, you have probably encountered her wrath before. While Aunty Yaz is neither a psychologist nor certified life coach, you would still be wise to address her as Aunty or Dr. Yaz.
Dear Aunty Yaz,
My mommy always throws her bottles in the trash but in school I learned that we need to recycle. When I remind her she tells me to do my homework. What should I say to her to make her recycle?
From Sid
Ah Sid,
How refreshing it is to see someone who is unafraid to tell the world that they need my advice – no will to disguise your own name. Now pet, the first thing I want to tell you is that you should always ask a parent for permission to use your name in a publication – it is a dangerous world. The second thing is Bravo! I have the perfect solution for your problem dearie. I once heard some wonderful advice from one of my many celeb friends: if your mom is reminding you to do your homework – retort with “Have you done yours?” It is everyone’s responsibility to recycle – even oldies like me and your mother. If she gives you any problems – just let me know – an autographed copy of the latest Aunty Yaz column will surely change her mind.
– Aunty Yaz
Dear Aunty Yaz,
I’m planning a vacation for this summer and I need your top 10 tips. GO!!
- Jet-setter
Dear Jet-sweater,
- Oxford dictionary states that a “Jet-setter” is a noun meaning: Wealthy and fashionable people who travel widely and frequently for pleasure. But guessing from your question you’re neither wealthy, fashionable, nor a frequent flyer. So if I were you, I’d start making money and dressing better (take inspiration from my pictures, I’m fabulous) and work towards acquiring more stamps in your passport. Only then will you be able to use this title as loosely as you are right now.
- You know that fancy phone you have on you? Here are a three apps that might be useful to you: Skyscanner, Trip Advisor, and Lonely Planet. They’re super useful and I’m sure you’ll know how to use them.
- I used to love going on a cruise with the bridge ladies. The food was always left out to grab and if you were lucky they would put on some crab racing. I always knew how to pick crabs on a cruise.
- No one wants to see your white skin on the beach whilst you are working on your tan. The sun can reflect off your skin and get into my eyes. So make sure to fake it til you make it and get a spray tan. For the love of those of us beach beauties with natural glow.
- Men: If you walk past the beach line in your speedos, they become underwear. Cover up.
- Watch out for lavatories labelled as such but when you go inside the cubicle they are merely a smelly hole in the ground. I don’t squat dear. Bonus tip..always pack a toilet roll in case of emergencies.
- If you are going somewhere where they don’t speak English as a first language, learn these phrases: “Thank you”, “I’m sorry”, “2 sugars”, and, “Do you have these in a size 37”? (hint: the Lonely Planet app collection has a Phrasebook)
- Don’t under any circumstances use the airplane lavatory while not wearing shoes. You know why…
- A passport protector is the most useless item anyone can buy, ever. Unless it’s Chanel or Mont Blanc.
- Make sure to take one of those very original pics of your ugly feet on a lounger facing a pool. Who knows, you may even get a ‘like.’
P.S. Never tell me to “GO,” so please take a moment to feel flattered that I even responded to this.
– Aunty Yaz
Dear Aunty Yaz,
I am a huge advocate for the environment. For this reason I have not thrown away a single item for twenty years. My only problem is that I can’t seem to move around in my house. There are sweaters in my stove, magazines in my bathtub and at least seven kittens wandering around amongst the stacks of rubbish. The only thing I can reach is my computer and I have now been sitting in my desk chair for two weeks. I need help.
- Drowning in Junk
Dear Junkie,
Your message is disconcerting in many ways. For one – you seem to recognize you need help, but you are also downplaying your total insanity. SEVEN kittens lost in your house? Think of all of the millions of Buzzfeed users that just died when they read that. I may be stating the obvious here – but let me be explicit: You are a hoarder. There is nothing noble or environmentally conscious about never throwing anything away. If you don’t embrace recycling your magazines, donating your used clothing to charity and finding those poor animals forever homes – then you, along with your festering dump of a home will waste away to nothing.
I suppose there is one bright side in your message – access to your computer. Step 1: Send out a message for help – do hospitals have email these days? Step 2: Research hoarding – it is a serious condition and there are ways to treat it – this is really beyond my wide array of expertise. Step 3: Order some Talabat – you must be starving.
– Aunty Yaz
Dear Aunty Yaz,
Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue,
I need a date,
How about you?
- Your Secret Admirer.
Dear Secret Stalker,
Roses are expensive,
Violets die too,
You are a desperate loser,
I don’t want you.
– Aunty Yaz
Send your questions to Aunty Yaz at auntyyaz@bazaar-magazine.com. Any advice given is strictly opinion and does not necessarily reflect the views of bazaar. But it might—just sayin!
