What used to be called “criticism” is now referred to as “throwing shade.” I quite like the term because I think visually, that’s one phrase that creates a great picture. I just envision someone sauntering on a bright sunny day and a net of shade coming into the frame from one side, obviously intended to capture the individual walking along minding his own business.
Criticism is the expression of disapproval of someone or something based on perceived faults or mistakes. Its synonyms are words like ‘condemnation,’ ‘disapproval,’ ‘censure,’ and ‘denunciation.’ Most of the time, criticism comes from a place of bitterness, judgment, or legalism – otherwise known as ‘shade pits.’ These are internal states that belong entirely to the individual and have nothing to do with anyone else…and the expression of those states throws shade on others. Criticism has many pitfalls. What we do to others, we do to ourselves, and vice versa. Criticism encourages judgment, shame, inflexibility, externalization or projecting, persistent negativity, perfectionism, lack of distinction between opinion and objective reality, and intolerance of discomfort or imperfections.
We know from research that people are far more motivated by praise and encouragement than they are by criticism. There is nothing more discouraging than having someone you love continually telling you that you should be handling things or doing things differently (and take note: unsolicited “advice” is throwing shade). On the other hand, encouragement from those we care for is motivating and increases the likelihood that we will persist at hard tasks, or that we will continue to invest in a relationship that currently feels difficult, trusting in a positive outcome.
In a survey of employees at seven hundred companies, the majority said that a caring boss was more important to them than how much they earned. That’s astounding. The majority of us will stay with a boss who is encouraging and supportive over jumping ship for more money. Encouragement leads to openness, flexibility, curiosity, surprise, collaboration, connection, invention, imagination, creativity, diversity, discovery, exploration, acceptance, imperfections, mistakes, successes, comedy, happy accidents, serendipity, appreciation. With encouragement, we believe we can do almost anything.
Think about what it means to throw shade… we’re really saying that the person we’re critical of is somehow ‘less than’ because s/he didn’t do something the way we would have done it. Or we’re saying what that individual/group did had no value because we don’t agree with the action taken or the cause. Any values-based judgment is utterly subjective and simply exposes the scaffolding of the shade thrower’s internal landscape. Criticizing other says waaaaaaay more about the one throwing shade than the one being shaded. One of the memes I found said, “Guess who be throwing shade but hiding their hands?” The picture was a hand, pointing at the reader.
If you be one who throws shade, here’s the point. One: Never learn anything about the fashionable, easily mastered art of throwing shade. Two: Stay out of the company of all shade throwers. Three: Keep your own shade where it belongs – with you. That darkness is nobody’s business but yours.
For those who would rather throw sunshine, here are some quick tips to help you develop the habit of encouraging both yourself and others.
One: Notice what’s going right, what the intention was, or the effort made, no matter what the outcome.
Two: Express appreciation to yourself and for others.
Three: Use ‘I’ statements to notice and name the good in others. In other words, own your sunshine.
Four: Use words and body language to offer encouragement. Give support verbally and smile or nod as a way of indicating you’re supportive.
Five: Cultivate the qualities that encourage encouragement; interest in others, attentive listening, patience, a friendly voice, a friendly look, speaking for one’s self, owning personal perspectives and making room for the perspectives of others.
Six: Find what feels like authentic ‘sunshine’ to you and practice, practice, practice by throwing it every opportunity you have.
Susannah-Joy is a psychotherapist and complex trauma specialist based in Canada. Find her on Twitter @aboutthattrauma, Instagram @SuJo1963 and Facebook @william.associates. Photo by Isaiah Rustad on Unsplash.
