I am happily married. 

My wife as well (or so I’d like to I believe).

When we first met, we were so excited to discover one another. Until this day, I am still fascinated by all the things that make her this unique person who never bores me. 

As every dating couple does, we always talked about silly things and deep stuff (what’s the difference between things and stuff you ask? Nothing, It just sounded better in my head).

One of those things was our future family plans. We had said initially we wanted two kids, a boy and a girl, not necessarily in that order. But as the relationship progressed, we both leaned in to one child.

Two years into the relationship, my girlfriend-now wife made the less-than-stellar decision to marry me. While I can sit here and prove to you why she could have done so much better in her choice of partner, this won’t be about that. I fear that if I divulge too much, it will one day be the backbone for her divorce case. She’s a great human, I am not.

We’re in love, don’t worry.

Our commitment to one another is not rooted in that court paper that we both signed. That paper is merely a detail in our life. Our partnership goes way beyond a governmental paper with a 1 KWD stamp on it.

I digress.

As a committed couple, and as our plans expanded for ourselves and our unit, we discovered that a child is the last thing we both want or need. So, our magic number for the humans we want to carry our DNA code became ZERO.

And before you roll your eyes…mum… or anyone reading this, know this is not an article about family planning or population control etc…This is about some of you…the nosey ones!

When people ask us if we have children, both my wife and I would say: No.

When they ask us if we are putting it off for later, both my wife and I would say: No

When they ask us if we don’t want children at all, both my wife and I would say: NO!

Now, no matter where you stand or whatever your opinion is about this topic, it is never okay to follow up with the question, why?

That what gets my heart rate up, my palms sweaty … not out of my crippling anxiety, but from anger on how ignorant and insensitive people are. My wife and I are both capable of birth, yet it is our own choice not to utilize that privilege that God gifted us with. But I can only imagine how it feels like for couples who are unable to conceive naturally. Couples who spend tons of effort, mental strength and financial assets to try and achieve it and face loads of hiccups on the road. With all that they go through, believe me, they don’t need your stupid face asking them questions like: Why don’t you want children? Sometimes, the last resort for these couples, is to say that they do not want children because they do not want to explain to your idiotic face that they are facing issues. Simply because, it’s none of your business.

The cherry on top in all of this, is when sometimes someone throws me a curve ball and asks me that one question that I was not expecting, “Then, why did you get married?”

This question has crippled me with anger before. How do you explain to a human with more than two firing neurons that marriage isn’t just about having kids? It’s the partnership, it’s both of you bringing your strengths to the partnership so you can equalize your individual weaknesses. How am I supposed to look at Joe’s stupid face and answer him calmly without submitting to my anger? 

But lately, I’ve found the perfect answer. And please, be my guest and use it whenever someone asks you a stupid question that is way out of line. Ready? Here it goes.

Good ole Joe: “So why did you marry your wife?”

Me: ”Well you see Joe, I have psychopathic tendencies with a dash of sociopathy. I am easily triggered. If people snoop in to my personal life or ask me stupid questions, I get angry and fixate on them and plan their destruction. But my wife, she is incredible. She walks me through the emotions and gets me to my safe harbor. Without her, I would be in prison for life without parole.” 

After two or three people heard that answer, word got around. I have now been living for 13 months stupid-questions free.

George Tarabay is a marketing expert Filmmaker/ Comedian/Podcaster. Follow him on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, SoundCloud @GeorgeTarabay. Photo by Adam Griffith on Unsplash.