1. First rule: there are no rules.
2. Second: Common sense and common courtesy…are not so common.
3. Must have your own car and so does every single person in your home along with a driver or two.
4. Choose whatever car you dream, because hey, let’s face it, you live with your parents until you’re married, so NO BILLS.
5. Yes, I said your dream car, even if you have no clue how to properly drive it.
6. Get a driver’s license, syke, that’s what “wasta” is for.
7. Throw all consideration out the window, this is your road, no one else’s.
8. Keep your phone on hand at ALL times: You never know when someone from your high school “Whatsapp” friends group needs to send you a text of an emojicon story of what happened at The Avenues that day.
9. And duh, you must check your Instagram feed at every red light. Like, like, like.
10. Never, ever, use your blinker.
11. Merging, what is that? No, it’s every man for themselves, no, I won’t let you in, noooo.
12. Zipper merges, wait…zippers like on my Fendi bag? That’s the only zipper I’m familiar with.
13. Spot a car accident? Must yell at the traffic, honk horns, flash lights, and then take at least ten full Mississippi seconds to block all traffic to stare.
14. No car accident? Must take at least five seconds to stare at every driver regardless.
15. Crosswalk? “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”
16. When someone wants to merge into your lane, SPEED UP!
17. When in doubt, never look in your rearview mirror. Say a silent prayer and hope that the other person drives a car as nice as yours, so they will not want to smash their’s either.
18. Wait, what’s a rearview mirror? Isn’t that what I have a camera/sensors for?
19. Look straight. If you make eye contact, that is equal to holding up a sign that says “FOLLOW ME FOR HOURS.”
20. Cup holder must hold a Pumpkin Spiced latte at all times. Unless you want to take a drink, in that case you must shift your phone to your other hand, use your right hand to drink, and drive with your knees.
21. I can’t even make a joke out of this one… Good gracious! Where are all the car seats?!? Put that baby in a car seat and strap their precious tiny body in!
22. Women, please, let’s not perpetuate the stereotype that “Women are bad drivers.”
23. Speed limit, is that what those signs with numbers are on the side of the road?
24. Driving on Gulf Street, look forward. No really, seriously, always just look forward.
25. Allow the Mustangs, Camaros, Lambos, and any other fast car to dodge and weave around you and the others, they are clearly practicing for Fast and the Furious #38, duhhh.
26. Don’t go on the 2nd Ring Road in the evenings, unless you are up to no good.
27. Emergency lanes = Extra lane for all!
28. Roundabouts…Oh dear, take a deep breath, and don’t exhale until you have exited the roundabout.
29. Read this while driving.
30. Okay I’m joking about #29! But, I know you’re reading this while driving, put your phone down!
31. Remember to say a prayer when turning on your car and remember, revolution begins with one…. Blinker.

Stay safe on the roads, people!