By George Tarabay

Have you ever logged on to Facebook, scrolled down 3 to 4 posts, saw something cute, contemplated who’s behind UVB-76 (look it up, seriously freaky) and amidst that depth you saw someone share a horoscope post and you just felt devastated?

No? just me? Cool.

I know what some of you are thinking right now: This is such an expected statement from a Capricorn, right?

Yea, well you’re wrong, I’m a Cancer…to society and also, that happens to be my actual Zodiac sign.

As an engineer, a critical thinker and a person who “can afford to grow up a little” (my wife’s exact words), I whole heartedly  believe that we live in an intertwined universe that is governed by an infinite exchange of energy, be it at a cosmic level or on a cell to cell level (not cellphones, but like the biological, gooey stuff).

I do believe that the average human’s mood is at the core of every conscious decision, and it is affected by stellar energy and other peoples’ moods too.  Hence it’s basically a matrix of vertical influence that gets translated in horizontal exchange and so on. I also do understand the butterfly effect, Murphy’s law, Black Swan Theory etc.

But for the life of me, what I do not understand is people who I meet for the first time and after ten minutes into a conversation, they lead with: What sign are you?

I honestly do not know how to answer that question, and there are two reasons behind that:

a – I honestly don’t know how that makes for an adult conversation.

b – I have to fight my instinctive inclination to slap said person across their face. I say instinctive, so I remove consciousness from the equation, so that I am not met with “Oh cancers are very emotionally intense” as a response. No.

What is even scarier is that this question often comes from people who have executive positions, a.k.a a job where extreme rationalization is key to lead or be led in a functioning economical machine, also where any risk is weighed against gut feel at best.

And while many readers would disagree, please try to see it from my perspective. I too, like any other breathing creature, long for validation sometimes and while I understand people are different, I do also understand that validation should come from within.

My validation didn’t and won’t ever come from what is written about my date of birth in an old newspaper. Harsh, I know, but that’s just me. I cannot fathom (big words today, I actually read this one in my horoscope) how grown adults can utter sentences like: Jupiter is in your sign today, that’s why you feel iffy.

Seriously? Can’t I be feeling iffy because I can’t practice self-control and I overate every day of my life? Can’t I be edgy because I tore my shirt wearing it without you claiming that Pluto’s influence on cancer today will be negative?

Yet, as with every dilemma I face, my brain quickly comes up with a solution, and if you’re anything like me, here’s what you should do in a hypothetically similar social situation that includes dining with a big group of friends and some people you never met before at your favorite steak joint.

Horror-scope individual: So, what sign are you?

You (let’s assume you’re a Cancer): Oh. I’m a Libra (try to maintain a straight face).

Horror-scope individual: Oh. This explains a lot, because I noticed you’re into this, and [bla bla bla]

Listen for a good three minutes before following up with this line:

You: Oh hold on, I’m born on July 10th, what does that make me?

Horror-scope individual: Oh that makes you a Cancer and not a Libra!

Now enjoy your favorite dish of Fillet-Mignon as you listen to them try to explain that Libras and Cancers share a lot of traits and how they make a perfect match to each other, as sweat rolls down their eye lids.

Pay the bill and walk away, knowing that you unleashed a spark in their mind now that you’ve shattered their reality, because their whole conversational system was shook to the point where even they could consider the notion that maybe, just maybe, horror-scopes aren’t real! I mean seriously, have these words ever crossed your sight in a newspaper?

“Urgent! Reputable Newspaper looking for an astrologist for their horoscope column. Candidate must be truthful and accurate. Candidates must send their CVs to hire@newspaper.com only if their daily horoscope says they will land the interview.”

Now, for those who agree with me: Thank you! I appreciate it. Please use my technique with caution.

For those of you who don’t, remember: Don’t be upset! Cancers usually say things on an under calculated burst of emotions, and that cannot upset you, right? I mean, it’s what my horoscope reads.

George “The Cancer“ Tarabay.

George Tarabay is a local comedian and marketing expert. For his latest updates, follow him on Instagram: @GeorgeTarabay. For more comic relief, check out George on Facebook.com/Georgethecomic.