By Lara Jadayel

With the desire to restock my humble home library, I strolled through Bliss & Paper glancing over the many aesthetically-shelved books. Iced matcha latte in hand, I approached the non-fiction section and the title Brotopia called out to me. I instantly thought to myself: what an anti-feminist title! And surely as a woman (and a feminist), it was an utter responsibility of mine to whole-heartedly write about the rise of a female-topia instead. I know what you must be thinking: Lara, you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. And yes, the mantra didn’t hit me until I uncovered Emily Chang’s real purpose, which is to deconstruct Silicon Valley’s boys’ club; an all-male dominated industry that has left women out of the development stages of tech, resulting in the simultaneous hiring of more men than women in the industry. And just like the women of Silicon Valley, Arab women have been placed in the experience-gaining background, time and time again.

So, what’s the problem? 

Many Arab women are excluded, and/or exclude themselves from many situations for many underlying layers, some of which relate to cultural norms, societal values, and parental/partner expectations. From leaving an outing before the clock hits 11:00 pm, to being talked out of pursuing a degree abroad, to avoiding working in male-dominated companies, these exclusions lead to lost opportunities and a lack of experience gained. Similarly to the women of Silicon Valley, this exclusion places Arab women in the background of their own career growth. 

For example, as opposed to women, the men of early Silicon Valley were more likely to pursue degrees in tech-related fields, have their business ideas invested in, and get hired on account of “merit.” In response, Chang uncovers the long list excluding women from pursuing tech-related degrees in the first place, and then from succeeding in an industry that was dependent on the full-fledged male aura. In one scenario, Chang mentions how men were comfortable doing business at out-of-office parties that dragged on to late hours, while women were not. This eventually fueled networking and investment opportunities towards men who were at those parties. 

When I asked the women around me (ranging in age, marital status, and job titles) if they noticed similar exclusions or self-exclusions happening in their lives, I received an array of answers:

• “At traditional family gatherings, we [women] are expected to help with the preparations. We prepare the food, set the table, and tidy up after everyone is done. The men on the other hand gather and talk about life, work, and even prospects of starting a business. Yes, you may have that one male cousin who helps with passing the dessert plates around, but it is not the common theme. Some traditional families even let the men eat before the women do.”
• “I once went to an interview that lasted for about 6 minutes. Before even asking about my qualifications, or telling me more about the job and its requirements, I was asked if I was willing to cover my hair.”
• “I often opt out of talking over my loud male manager because I will seem unfeminine. So most of the time, I sit there with ideas unpitched while the men continue to yell over each other to get their ideas across. In the long run you realize that the good ideas you had could have made a difference.” 
• “I was once told that I couldn’t be hired for the job because I was pregnant and that they wouldn’t want to hire someone who would go on maternity leave in just a few months. Sure, this makes sense, but doesn’t that mean I missed out on gaining work experience?”
• “I was talked out of doing my master’s degree abroad because it is ‘safer here’.”
• “My friend applied for a job and was asked to meet the owner of the startup at a coffee shop. Her partner didn’t think it was okay for the owner to set up an interview outside the office, so he asked her not to go. The startup is now a very popular company that many want to work at.”

These everyday occurrences by different women deem equality in experience gaining as passé. These occurrences diminish the probability of merit being practiced authentically for women, as it is evident that they have been excluded or self-excluded from opportunities of experience-gaining. This does not mean men get to gain more, or that all women experience the same level of exclusion. However, almost every woman has experienced similar encounters that have derailed her professional experience-gaining path, putting her in the background of her own career growth. 

Can this be fixed? 

Although it would be great to change the intrinsic stereotypical outlook culture has towards women, here are 3 steps that can help place us in the forefront of our own experience-gaining path.

Step 1: Silence the overbearing noise. Unfortunately, we live in a world where men and women are seen as competitors, not compliments. This is when the loud “Women vs Men” debates arise. Male breadwinners vs motherhood, top male CEOs vs top female employees, femininity vs masculinity for better workplace performance. The list goes on.  When this becomes too much, focus on your experience-gaining path and what you need to do to get YOURSELF where you want to go. Think, what can I do to gain more experience, not, why is it easier for men to gain more experience? Once that happens, you can move on to the next step.

Step 2: Assert your stance on matters that put you in the forefront. You might be told against pursuing a certain degree, from traveling abroad for your undergrad, or from applying to a certain job. If these restrictions, or similar ones, do not align with your experience-gaining path, assert what stands true to you, even if it will take multiple tries to get there.  

Step 3: Acknowledge that YOU associate “female” with a continuation. If you believe that “female” is weak, then you will always move forward with weakness. If you believe that “female” is victimized, then you will always find reasons not to push through. If you believe that “female” is controlled, then you will never do what you’ve always dreamt of doing. But once you associate “female” with how you want to lead, you’ll find all the ways to place yourself in the forefront. 

Lara Jadayel has been writing about women for as long as she can remember. She won’t stop until change becomes evident (or until writer’s block consumes her).  To reach out, email her at larajadayel@gmail.com. Photos by Sinitta Leunen and Natalie Hua on Unsplash.