For four years (that sounded weird) I have been stuck. Not physically, but literally trapped inside my own head. Which is a weird statement, from a man who made bold statements in previous articles about “doing more.” My thing is, I love creating videos. I love filming, telling stories, editing them, watching them and enjoying them.
Not out of vanity, but I do believe my videos are pieces of my soul made into art. Don’t get me wrong: I did not write those articles to meet a deadline, but I believe every word I wrote, every idea I broadcasted. But I’ve been stuck.
Stuck to the point where I doubted every piece of art I created. Notice how my process did not carry the word “publish” in it. It’s because I did not believe in the worth of my effort. I believed in its value and the values it carried, yet not its worth.
A lot happened around me in the past four years: I lost my father in a way that has left me scarred to this day. I fell into depression. I broke out of it but it lingers, then out of a career mold. I established a life outside my practice, got married…
That’s what you will see, if you are close to me personally. But what you don’t see is the many promises I made to myself to create more content. Again, not to gain a following, but to broadcast my perspective, which I believe, some might use to achieve more with their time on this planet.My biggest enemy is myself. I don’t listen to outside voices, I don’t care for opinions, words can’t affect me. I’m at peace with myself, to the point some deem annoying. I just can’t be bothered.
But every time I create something, here’s the best, least aggressive scenario in my head: It’s nice, loved it, but I literally don’t take anything seriously. What if others also don’t take it seriously? What if they do? If they didn’t what’s the point of publishing or even creating? If they did, they will for now, until they flip, so what is the point again? And thus, the video gets buried, deep in my drive, in a folder I often visit as a form of retreat.
“Jeez, why so dramatic?” You might wonder…or not. I’m not being dramatic, I’m just trying to expose my weak side and get it out in the open might I shame myself to cast it off.
I fear the buildup created inside my head. I process things differently, more intensely, I heighten it, pedestalize it, but it never sees the light of day. It’s like I’m playing chess constantly inside my brain, the opponent is my dark side, and myself a mix of a hopeful artist and that same dark side, have been taking too long to make the first move.
The process is so intense, I try to create all the scenarios in my head before that first move, to the point where the first move never happens. It’s crippling, terrifying. Not just for video, but anything I do. I sometimes put myself in positions where I force myself to just do things, especially when it comes to my business, but when it comes to myself, my own brand, I am careful to the point where I don’t even try to get off my seat to see what it could be.
I am a great listener, I listen well, and I give the best advice (fact check: I do). But I also listen to myself so much, I become my own demotivational coach. It’s weird, I always heard: You have to have something to be able to give it. But in this case, I seem to be the exact opposite. I lack motivation, but I’m good at giving it. Text-book weird.
And here’s the last line of motivation for you, but most importantly, for me: Make the first move on the board in real life, otherwise it’s a definite check- mate, not as a result of your opponent’s strategy, but forfeited to the lapsing time you spent thinking about the not so certain check-mate.
This was, hopefully, my first move, what is yours?
George Tarabay is a marketing expert/ Filmmaker/ comedian/Podcaster. Follow him on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, YouTube, SoundCloud @GeorgeTarabay.
Featured image courtesy of George Tarabay.
