Well, kiddos – it’s happening. Right as I type this, your friends and mine are moving on and having babies. I know what you’re thinking not my friends, they would never – and maybe you’re right…for the next ten minutes! But it’s coming. In light of our new baby around the bazaar office and your bazaar writer currently suffering from an acute case of ohnoIhaveababynow-itus, here they are – your top 5 conflicts about the great life transition that is the new parent.

#5 Going out – I must admit, though there was a time when I loved going out, I had been a bit of a home-body in the year or so leading up to baby. But at least going out used to be an option! These days, unless that baby is strapped to my chest, I don’t get out at all. I’m pretty sure at this point that my friends just picture me as his head on my body – thank you baby Bjorn! On the one hand it is your ultimate trump card to not go out when you don’t want to. Amazing right? There is nothing they can say. People have to understand if you miss a work function or somebody’s birthday. On the other hand, if you do want to, you can’t, as in EVER. Ouch.

#4 On the accumulation of mountains of toys – Let me just be the first to say that I was not happy to have to get rid of the pool table to make room for the crib. Nor did I think it fun when the ping pong table got moved out for the baby’s jumper. Apparently these kids require a lot of structural support to keep them moving along. Aside from the baby toy junkyard that my apartment is quickly becoming, it is like setting up a refuge camp every time we go to someone’s house for a few hours, complete with enough food to survive in the wilderness for a few days and potty facilities. You, sweet child-o-mine, are officially high-maintenance. On the plus side though, the mountain of toys is exactly what is keeping him occupied long enough for me to write this.

#3 The long game – It is hard not to look into your sweet baby’s eyes and just see…all that money running away from you, or worse, being poured down the drain with the same tenacity as your new jewelry after the toddler finds your jewelry box. Probably best to not focus on that. And people say I’m the insensitive one for making the baby wear a “daddy’s little tax shelter” t-shirt… On the up side though, your kids are basically a retirement plan right? I mean this is basically someone required to take care of you once they’re of an age where they can do so? Let’s just look at them that way. Start planning where you want to retire and make sure they pick a good spouse – or else!

#2 The free time – What free time? Nuff’ said.

#1 Sleep – I used to think there were only two timeframes that existed: night and day. I was completely unaware that there is this third ethereal time bending netherworld of the half-dead zombie-like people known as new parents. You never quite get to sleep; you never quite get to wake up. You just float through life from coffee shop to store to get diapers and float around the city in a haze. But this is not just some willy-nilly sleep when you feel like it hippie-dippie hangout spot. No, this is monarchist boot camp and you will not sleep until the baby king says you can. And he never says you can. Then, just as you see his eyes start to glaze over and you are ready to celebrate your coming respite…the slightest noise from the water truck passing by wakes up the king and you must start all over again. On the plus side though, you can get a surprising amount done in your day once you are forced to be awake for most of it.

This love/hate has been sent to you from my child’s room, where I have been stuck for the last 5 months. Please send a nanny!