“I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you, except yourself.” —Rita Mae Brown

One of the reasons good therapists (note how I’ve sneakily included myself in the ‘good therapist’ category) are effective is that we simply notice when, what the client says is not congruent with what we see. A really common one involves the person in front of me saying, ‘Yes,’ with their words, but whose head is moving back-and -forth saying ‘No.’ Unless I point this out, the client is unaware of the give-away. Gamblers call these expressions or unconscious movements ‘tells’, and successful gamblers win as much with great hands as they do by ‘reading’ their opponents.

Think about this for a moment—if the values I choose for myself run counter to the dominant culture in which I live, I am going to experience emotional and psychological discomfort. I’m going to say ‘Yes’ with my mouth and ‘No’ with my head and heart. It’s inevitable. I’m much less likely to experience internal dissonance, however, if I know how my values clash with my culture, I recognize the criticism, judgment, and condemnation for what it is, and I am able to separate my sense of self from the finger-wagging expectation that I conform.

A good example is the movie Billy Elliot (2000). In a mining town in the north of England, a young boy develops a love for dance while watching a girls’ ballet class at the local boxing gym. Eventually, Billy ditches the boxing, which he’s not good at and doesn’t like, to secretly attend the ballet classes. This love of dance and the arts in general, brings Billy into direct conflict with his father, a miner from a family of miners and boxers. Despite the fierce and abusive opposition of his father and older brother, Billy persists, and eventually auditions for the Royal Ballet in London. The entire movie clearly demonstrates the internal battle Billy experiences because his sense of ‘Self’ and what he values causes major conflict in his family and runs contrary to the culture of his birth.

All Billy wanted to do was dance—nothing illegal or immoral about that. And there’s the rub. Most often what we want to do is neither illegal nor immoral, it’s just different. If I haven’t ever figured out for myself how the framework of my values is different or contrary to the culture of my bir th or more impor tantly, the culture of my Family of Origin, I’m going to experience emotional and psychological discomfor t and there will be an internal pressure on my sense of ‘Self’ that is difficult to bear. I will conform in order to avoid this discomfort and in the process become someone I don’t like much.

In other words, we hive off or kill the part of ourselves that doesn’t conform. The consequences to mental and emotional wellbeing are often terrible.

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.” —Steve Jobs

So…what’s the answer?

1. Know yourself – take the time to identify the internal framework of values, interests, and dreams that is YOU. Try stuff. Food, adventures, cultures, activities, new things. Figure out why something bothers you and why something invigorates you. Do a value clarification exercise. Do a strengths’ finders exercise. Learn who you are as an individual; a unique soul navigating this thing called “Life.”

2. Divorce yourself from public opinion – once you know yourself, recognize where you and the dominant cultural norms part company and decide to be okay with that. When there’s criticism, judgment, or finger-wagging, take a deep breath and remind yourself that such behaviour isn’t about you and says way more about the other than it does about you. This takes practice but really learning not to personalize the behaviour of others will free you from the tyranny of conformity.

3. Set positive goals for yourself – go towards the good, not away from the bad. When we focus on the negative, we often end up falling into a black hole. We’re so emotionally and psychologically engaged with not becoming something (or someone) that we don’t actually accomplish anything for ourselves.

There is no reward for conformity – for subsuming your unique and glorious Self to the expectations of others. Take courage in hand and stand in the truth of you. What is your ‘dancing?’ Do you know?

“Find out who you are and do it on purpose.” —Dolly Par ton

Susannah-Joy is a psychotherapist and complex trauma specialist based in Canada. Find her on Twitter @aboutthattrauma, Instagram @SuJo1963 and Facebook @william.associates. Photo by Andre Hunter on Unsplash.