“Never view your challenges as a disadvantage. Instead, it’s important for you to understand that your experience facing and overcoming adversity is actually one of your biggest advantages.” – Michelle Obama
Adversity is not generally welcome. In fact, we try not to experience hard things, or we work to make the hard things go away. Doesn’t work. As a member of the human race every single one of us is going to experience both the good and the bad of life. When it rains, the good, the bad, the rich, the poor, the wicked, the righteous, the faithful, and the unfaithful get wet. It doesn’t matter how you live – you’re going to get rained on. The issues of life are common to every single individual on the planet. Personal circumstances may cause these experiences to be more or less difficult to endure, but we are not excused from this shared reality, whatever those circumstances. The rich and the poor deal with cancer. The wicked and the righteous lose loved ones, everyone suffers accidents, and we all deal with tragedy and trauma. No one is immune.
Years ago, I saw a client who wanted some help to be more effective in her professional life. She reported that she struggled with conflict and just felt “small” compared to others. When we did the intake, I learned that from ages 13 to 22 she had experienced a severe eating disorder. Over that period, she reported, she’d been under the care of Canada’s foremost expert on eating disorders, had stayed for significant periods of time in residential treatment facilities, and had nearly died on more than one occasion. “But,” she said ruefully, “I didn’t get better until I decided on my own that I didn’t want to live like that anymore.” I asked her, “What strengths did you need to be so good at having an eating disorder?” She looked puzzled. “Strengths? That was a horrible time in my life. What strengths?”
I agreed. It was a horrible, painful time in her life AND she obviously had something going on or she would have caved to the attempts to fix the eating disorder. She never did. She got better only when she decided to get better. I sent her home with the task of making a list of the strengths she needed to be so successful at being eating disordered. She came back with a long list. “Perseverance, determination, stubbornness, cunning, patience, independence, focus, and creativity were just a few of the words on her list. “That was a terrible period in my life. Painful, filled with real angst, and suffering, and just really dark. I wouldn’t ever want to go back there, but I’d never thought about how exactly I managed to outwit everyone who was determined that I was going to eat. They couldn’t make me until I decided I would eat.” We talked about how those strengths could be harnessed to deal with the difficulties in her professional life. She got it.
“If I can manage at 15 years old to refuse to be intimidated by some hooha doctor who powered up and ordered me to eat, I can deal with pretty much anyone.” We figured out what that would look like, and then she said, “I never thought about something good coming of those awful years. Whenever I was reminded of those years, I just tried to push the memories away, thankful that I survived. This past week, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about those years, and while I wouldn’t wish that kind of suffering on anyone, I have to admit I was pretty badass. Maybe I could rule the world if I took what I learned from that adversity and channelled it into solving my current problems. I’m kind of stoked to go to work tomorrow. I know I’ll be thinking and acting differently.”
Adversity is an experience common to us all. When we accept that pain is inevitable and focus instead on finding the resources we need to weather the storm, we minimize suffering and maximize the internal strength and fortitude developed in the crucible of that adversity.
Bottom line? The painful experiences of life have the potential to provide strength to face future adversity. At the very least these experiences offer the opportunity to compare. “Is this as bad as … ? No. Then I’m good. I can do this.”
And…you can. Think about this…what strengths have you earned in the past that you’re not utilizing for today’s adversity? What a shame to waste the experiences of the past that might be the foundation for navigating today’s adversity like a boss.
Susannah-Joy is a psychotherapist and complex trauma specialist based in Canada. Find her on Twitter @aboutthattrauma, Instagram @SuJo1963 and Facebook @william.associates. Photo by Nikola Johnny Mirkovic on Unsplash.
