The world is a big bad scary place and everything is out to get you. At least it seems like it is thanks to just about every TV show and movie out at present. Yes, everybody is afraid of the end of the world and the future of humanity is always in peril. But which version of the end of the world should you be most afraid of? We dug through the bazaar ‘World’s Out to Kill Us’ archives to determine who would win a battle royale of all-time scary creatures, just in time for you to choose your Halloween costume – proceed accordingly.
Zombies – As a general rule, these are the guys who seem to not have any mind control and are no longer present in their bodies – basically animated corpses. Typically, they fall into two separate camps: magical and medical. The medical zombie is basically one that adheres to your regular rules of science. There is some biologically explainable reason for their existence. Now their magical brethren on the other hand normally ignore most parts of science altogether. Either way though, there is a good chance they want to eat your brain, or bite you. These guys are only going down if you cause an enormous amount of damage to their heads.
Vampires – If you believe most movies lately, these are the saddest of all the killers. Poor little melancholy bat-like creatures working on their poetry about love lost in perpetuity. I would feel bad for them if they didn’t want to bite my neck and steal all the blood from my body. When it comes to killing them, sunlight is a nice touch, though it can be pretty hard to get them to meet you at a café for brunch. So you may need a plan B. I’m going to say, go with the wooden stake. Sure it takes a little more work, but there’s a reason it’s a classic. It works.
Werewolves – Also known as lycanthropes, these animal-like shape-shifters have a long history of people-eating and general exhibitionism throughout the hills of Eastern Europe. I don’t know why tearing off their clothes is the first thing they always do, but apparently they don’t plan ahead. They are dangerous and have super-human strength that can easily take out little ol’ you. So how do you get rid of them? You’re going to want that silver bullet. I’ve heard it speculated often that any bullet will do and that there are potentially other ways to kill them, but when you’re facing near-certain death from a werewolf in front of you – is that really the time to try out new methods? Stick with the tried and true – the silver bullet.
Psycho Killer – Though obviously the most realistic of all the tropes involved here, these guys are the unofficial weaklings of the bunch. Being afraid of them is like being afraid of your little sister – it just shouldn’t happen. First of all, they’re generally social outcasts who couldn’t form a coherent sentence if their – I mean your – life depended on it. When they are bright they tend to be self-involved to the point of self-destruction; an Achilles’ heel that not even they can outrun. Just grab the closest mirror around and let them fall in love with their own image as you run away.
BONUS: Natural Disaster – OK, at first glance you are probably thinking, what are natural disasters even doing on this list of scary stuff in personified form. But think about it. Is there anything scarier than…MOTHER NATURE! Will it be a flood, a tornado, an earthquake, a tsunami? Global Warming? Climate Cooling? After years of abuse she is angry and she will have her vengeance! Make no mistake, there is nowhere to hide with this one. Her devastation is all encompassing.
If you are reading this then the zombies have already infiltrated the Free Trade Zone and have gotten to us. Save yourself. RUN!
